Dinner, dinner…hmmm. Ok, meatloaf. That’s not hard, right? Let’s see:
Ground beef – check
Eggs – check…Hmm, Sell By Oct. 26. They’re probably ok – besides, I’ve had salmonella poisoning and it wasn’t that bad, after the hospital part.
Bread crumbs – check
Salt and pepper – check
Milk – check
Sage – Sage? What’s sage? Is that a type of cheese? Oh well, it’s probably not an important ingredient.
Now for the sauce:
Vinegar – check…Wait, is that mold under the lid? WTF? Isn’t vinegar supposed to kill mold?
Ketchup – check
Mustard – obviously check, it’s one of Bug’s food groups
Brown sugar – check
Nutmeg – First sage, then this nutmeg shit. Who do these people think I am, Martha Stewart? I’ll just use this paprika instead. It probably tastes the same anyway.
Ok, now mix first ingredients together…crap, I forgot the grated onion. This one’s probably ok, I’ll just cut that oozing spot out. Now how do you grate onion? Cheese grater. Ok. (time passes) My eyes! My eyes! Make it stop! Make the burning stop! This isn’t grated onion, it’s onion sludge! Mommy’s not crying Bug, her eyes are just hurting. Because of the onion. Because I’m smashing it. Because the recipe said to. BECAUSE MOMMY DOESN’T KNOW WHAT SHE’S DOING, OK? Why don’t you go play with your cars, ok sweetie?
Ok, now mix first ingredients together and put in greased bread pan. Gross, this stuff looks like guts. Guts with onions. Ok, FOCUS. Sauce. Mix ingredients together…wait, was that 1/4 a CUP of vinegar? That doesn’t look right. It’s all soupy. Whatever, it’s going on like this. Pour on top of guts meat and cook at 350 for 1 hour.
Thank God that’s over. I need a drink.
One hour later….
Whoa. Isn’t meatloaf supposed to be solid? Why does it look like this? I’m gonna have to strain it or something. Yeah, get that slotted spoon, that’ll work. Dude, this meatloaf looks totally different from the ones they have at Boston Market, what’s up with that? More ketchup, I need more ketchup on top. There. Ok, now I’ll just spoon it onto our plates. We’ll tell Bug it’s sort of like spaghetti. With no noodles.
I hope we don’t die.
“Bug! Lorso! DINNER!”
just call it a random word in another language (preferably a positive one) and tell them you’re going for “gourmet” tonight.
This is why they know us by name at Los Bravos.
LMAO. You cook like I cook!
Fortunately for my family, BRANDUS cooks. Otherwise, we might starve. Or get scurvy.
ew. this is why i avoid cooking with meat. you can only mess vegetables up so much. meat, though, now that’s risky business!
So I’m in my cubicle at work trying to eat wheat thins quietly, and then I decide to read your blog for the day. Imagine if you will some one trying to be respectful of the shared space (anything above 5ft) in her office, cruching wheat thins s-l-o-w-l-y becasse that make less noise, also trying notto laugh out loud and hard and this meat cherade. You shouldn’t be able to imagine that becuase it it impossible to have a mouth full of quiet soggy wheat thins and silently laugh and breathe all at the same time.
And that’s how your blog is all about me. What’s with all the profanity and non-domestication, arn’t you glad your parents and in-laws don’t read this.
subtle, Allen
Well, since she brought it up, I must say that I find it shocking, absolutely SHOCKING that you would use such language! Where you heard such words, I just CAN’T imagine!
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